i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
