Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Pappa wants mamma naked
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Enjoy the penises
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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