Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
