My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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