I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
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