my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
