my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I FOUND THE LEGS
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
