It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
