just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
