her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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