I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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