i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
