Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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