Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
