you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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