just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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