Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
