TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I can feel your judgement through the phone
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
