Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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