That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
