Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
