so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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