I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
