you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
No stitches, just platelets and will power
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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