So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
