I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
