I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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