**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
