My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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