My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
