I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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