Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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