If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
