lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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