Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
