I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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