Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
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