I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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