I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Well I just put wine in my tea
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
