my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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