I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
