You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
