My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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