Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Who died my cat blue again?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
