I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
