I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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