I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
