in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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