I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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