you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
All I want is dick and wine.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
